The more I get to know myself the further away I feel from everyone else.
Is that how it works? Is that “getting old” or what some call “maturing”?
I’ve always had a very specific audience – only recently did I learn to embrace that about myself. Unlike my naturally charismatic and charming siblings and parents who inevitably draw a following for being consistently charming and cool. I’m the other side of the coin.
The inconsistent one who turns on and off as often as a light switch. Flipping between being charismatic and bitchy, endearing and apathetic, tenacious and lazy, inspiring and draining, charming and off-putting, polite and rude, kind and cold.
A source of light and darkness – in a span of only a couple of hours.
But you see, I managed to at least hold my posture in whichever group I was in at the moment.
Whether it was friends I party with, friends I made music with, friends I shoot with, friends I work with, friends I go to church with, friends I drink with, friends I did bible study with, friends I studied with, or friends I did business with.
I found myself in the places I ought to be, having fun with the people I ought to be having fun with. It seemed like I’ve finally mastered the formula for “living the life”.
For best results, rinse and repeat.
Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn’t.
But regardless of the number of wins and losses, it always felt like I was off by a couple of degrees. My internal compass always needed some minor repair at every attempt. Something always irked me, simultaneously drawing me in and pulling me away from the arms of whoever I laid my head on for the season.
It’s like I’ve been running around in circles – constantly manoeuvring and dodging the hits and misses along the way. Getting back up as soon as I fall to run the same races with different faces depending on my current focus in life.
Is it because my priorities change so often so rapidly?
That seemed to be the reason most of the time. My priorities that used to align with theirs drastically and frequently changed – putting myself at an odds and out of sync with a bunch of people headed in the same direction.
While I constantly and consciously check almost every step, finding new and better ways for me to take the next one. They rally on towards the finish line – regardless of the perceived outcome. While I often refuse to run at the same pace, at times racing ahead and leaving everyone behind, or sometimes finding myself quitting the race early on.
Often I feel like I’m buried under layers of inside jokes between God and me. Finding myself laughing and sometimes crying at the language He chooses to speak to me – whether it’s a reminder, a lesson, a blessing, a struggle, a warning or just an expression of love.
But right now, what I fear in this path I’m walking on is that it really is inevitably pulling me away from what I know, from what I remember fondly, and what I am comfortable with – which is why 2016 to me is a specially odd year.
It’s the year that I find myself unattached and unbound by any chains and links from anyone – friends and lovers alike. Lately, only surrounded by my family as they cheer and run along side me, they rally on and try make sure I reach the finish line this time – without quitting or leaving them behind.
I only pray that as I run another race during the year this time with my place firmly in God’s corner, that as he coaches me from the side and I train with an audience of one, I lose sight of the ground and find my eyes focused on the clouds up above me as I find the courage and grit to finish the race.
As I take every step and stride with utmost love and pride for as it is the first race I choose to train, fight for, finish and win.